I have become the master of hesitation. Whether it’s deciding to put metaphorical pen to paper and write a damn post, or grading the papers I need to for school, or getting the exercise in to prepare for the Camino, or doing the soul searching it takes to make the big decisions in life… oh boy. What’s up with me?
I guess there are always things that hold us back, whether or not they’re legitimate.
I think it’s doubt in my path and my future that makes me take a step back in writing about my present. I think it’s my desire to go back to school or change careers that stops me from being the best that I can be as a teacher. I think it’s a tandem desire for and fear of freedom that keeps me from exercising, or applying to programs or jobs, or moving away, or forging forward and pursuing happiness, because that’s all that’s holding me back. In the past couple of years I’ve been eager to push ahead and to graze in new pastures and somehow I’ve had the strength to go on and push for the things that I want.
Where did that go? Where is my resolution and determination? Where is my resolve and my push and my list of priorities? Where is me?
The awful part is I think I know where it went. Or at least I know when it all disappeared. And that is the scariest part of all.