the story so far

Conscious? Perhaps…

I never know if I’m awake or sleeping lately, but for all my exhaustion I surely can’t be sleeping, so I guess that’s not the case. I’ve been gone from here a long time and I miss it as much as the friends I haven’t spoken to in years. I wonder why I don’t come back more often. Maybe part of me thinks it’s part of the chapter that’s ending now, rather than a footnote to the whole story.

I’m lying in bed texting my lonely sister three time zones away. My eyes are shutting and they should have been shut hours ago… God knows I need it… but God knows I miss my sisters more. I get to see them in two weeks for my wedding, but I’m quite sure that won’t be enough. It won’t be enough to see them at the airport the day or two before, or to do rushed last minute tasks while absentmindedly trying to catch up on a years worth of updates. It won’t be enough to watch them walk in front of me down the isle with their burgundy dresses and bouquets of artificial flowers, and it won’t be enough to see them for a quick post wedding lunch or dinner in the day following the wedding before we go on honeymoon. And it won’t be enough to go back to texting lonesome thoughts into the night a brief day later. Seeing them is never enough. I’ll never get over not getting to live with them longer or learn their lives better. (My other sister just had a beautiful baby girl that one day I will know better than my own sisters simply because she is near.)

But this is life, and beggars can’t be choosers. And as sleepy and mopey as I am about it, life goes on, and I’ll be married in just 14 days come hell or high water and then I will have a new family. Of two, for now.

I miss my sisters, and this life is good, but not as good as it would be with them around.

Excuse my stream of semiconsciousness.

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