I’ve been gone a long time, and I’ve missed being here. But I think it was only in a moment when I was letting my mind wander, unrelated to blogging, that I realized why my desire to write hasn’t translated into a real post as often as it used to. I was sitting and thinking about …selflessness… (yes, I think about weird things, okay?) and I began unconsciously formulating my ideas a bit more coherently, much like I would if I were about to write. But just as I was realizing I’d love to write a post about what I was thinking on, I simultaneously realized that it just wasn’t the sort of thing I put on this blog.
Why not? And what does this have to do with anything else I’ve been refraining from posting?
Here’s the truth of it. This blog has witnessed and chronicled a lot of changes in career, ambition, interest, motivation, etc., many of which are planned and worked for, many of which are accidental. But I think the change that has been most influential in my life in the past year has been one related to religion and spirituality, and that has been rather far reaching in terms of affecting the rest of my life.
I’m not here to tell a story of having “found Jesus” or having some kind of “spiritual awakening.” Honestly, I encounter blogs like that and I don’t read any further – it just really isn’t my cup of tea. So when I think about my own blog turning into something like that (no offense meant to any of you who blog about such things – it’s not a criticism, just not what I’m looking for in a blog), I’m more willing to stop writing than to turn my blog into one of those. Especially since it would seem out of place among the other topics I’ve been known to write on, here.
So the part of me that’s a writer who greatly enjoys any enjoyment my current readers glean from my occasional postings, that part of me doesn’t want to spoil what I’ve already got going. I don’t want to change anything. But the part of me that’s been writing here from the beginning for a method of sorting my thoughts and keeping my sanity, well, that part wants to write it all down regardless.
I just think that I’m at this point in life when (for whatever reason) I feel a stronger belief in a lot of things, and a stronger conviction about the lasting implications of my actions and thoughts and demeanors and intentions. I was brought up Catholic, and I never exactly took a break from that, though I haven’t always been a good one, but I’ve also gone the majority of my life without feeling like it was something I could implement as a daily life thing… so I guess that’s what’s new.
Anyway, I guess that’s why I haven’t been around. Everything I want to write about, even the daily life stuff, all seems to tie into this new mentality, and I don’t want to be a blogger-buzzkill. I guess we’ll see how it pans out, if I’ll find a way to still blog and keep my mental motivations to myself, or if it will remain fairly sparse around here.
But that’s the crux of it.
Thanks for listening, even if it was tedious.