Once again

It seems that it’s that time of year again. I’ve fought the last month or so of going stir crazy quite well, I think. No crazy hair cuts (yet), no running away, no bad poetry written. But it’s that time of year for me. 

It doesn’t help much that I’ve spent the past week investigating just how unsatisfied I am with my line of work and recognizing how sure I am of why I hadn’t wanted to move back to Florida. This place isn’t my home and I know that it can’t be for long. I mean I knew that before I moved back, knew that this was a transition. I suppose I just didn’t expect the transition to be so short or so life changing. It’s been good for me – being here. So much has changed in six months. 

Living apart has given me much of the distance I needed. Working at something worthwhile has reminded me why hard work is good and to be appreciated. Forging new friendships and new relationships in a new place has reminded me that I can find people anywhere. Being independent of people depending on me has been a breath of fresh air and a reminder that I could fly if only I knew where to go. I have been reminded of freedom, and once again I crave the extent of it. 

I am reminded that I can go and go and go, and not look back. 

I have to let my school know by Friday if I will be renewing my contract for next year. They told us this on Monday when I had zero time for thinking, so now is my first moment of true consideration. How can this choice be made in three days? 

Maybe my quandary is fabricated in the whims of my mind. I don’t want to return unless I have some sort of incentive… a raise would help. But I know that that’s not going to happen. So do I turn down a healthy, steady, reliable job that’s earning me more than I’ve ever made because I want to go somewhere new and try something different? Or do I be mature about things and stay in a job I don’t really enjoy for one more year (cause that’s all they’ll have me back for) and bide my time, making no progress in life goals and accomplishing nothing, purely for the money I’m making? The conundrum seems fickle – if this is the worst of my problems, I’m in a pretty good place!

There’s more to it too, I suppose. For myself I don’t mind the flighty lifestyle and the ever moving turns of fate. In fact I thrive on it. I always want more and new and interesting and unknown. It’s in my blood. But I’m trying to learn to think about more than just what I crave and desire, especially because it isn’t all about me anymore. I just didn’t anticipate meeting someone who would be an anchor to any one place. Being with someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me is unsettling on a number of levels, the greatest of which is that the decision to leave or to take a lower paying job just to try it out, or to go back to school, or anything really… begins to be just as much about someone else as it is about you. If you let it. If you want it to be. 

But what if you don’t know what you want there? You can’t let it stop you so soon, but you can’t quite convince yourself it isn’t worth staying for. 

I know, I know. I said it before – if this is the worst of my problems, I’m in a pretty good place. 

And I am in a pretty good place. It’s just time for some more soul searching and decision making and plan setting. Let the adventures begin…

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