November 10th

I’m grateful for a lot today – perhaps because I’m also frustrated by a lot, and I’m subconsciously forcing that out of my system. Typically I’d be ready to sit down and rant, but I can’t do that right now, because I’m too happy.

Not ecstatic happy or over the top happy or even outwardly happy. But I’ve got a little bit of that joy that sits inside you just beside your stomach and makes you feel warm and comfortable, even though you don’t quite know why it’s there today.

What could I possibly be happy about?

I’m happy about the external things – I have a decent apartment. I have a reliable car. I have enough money in the bank that if for some reason something horrible were to happen, I’d probably be able to manage. I have a job that I don’t hate most of the time.

I’m happy about the things I’ve been changing – between exercising and the food I’ve been eating, I’m the healthiest I’ve been in a long time, possibly ever. I’m happy that I’ve been getting a little more sleep this week than the weeks before. I’ve been adhering to my beliefs a lot better recently, on a number of levels, and it’s changing the way I see the world, and the way I live in it.

I’m happy about the internal things – I’m happy that I know what it is to be happy. It was such a foreign concept for so long. I have friends, too, which make my life something I want to get out of bed for in the morning. There are old friends like Davis who I can’t imagine my life or the future without. There are new friends like Matt and Jefferson and Pub People that I’d rather not imagine my current life without, because I’m enjoying it too much.

There is just so much to appreciate. The tea I’m drinking. The Gregorian Chant Pandora station I’m listening to while I eat lunch. My smart students who save the class average. My spunky students who love me so much it’s hard to un-attach from their hugs. My awful students who occasionally put in effort, or tell me that I make them want to be better. Gin martinis. The people – so, so many people – who I love.

Gosh, it’s hard to pick any one thing to primarily be happy about.

My sister is about to have her second son. My other sister is getting priorities and friendships organized in her life in ways I think will really help her. My brothers are starting to keep in touch better. I’m volunteering weekly. I’m breathing more frequently. I’m pushing myself.

I don’t even know what I came here to write about. I’m just so excited. This is ridiculous.