Delete

I can’t even recall the number of posts which I’ve started to write recently that I’ve gotten half way through and then gone over to that little “Move to Trash” button and deleted. Do you ever find yourself just writing crap? I do it all the time. But what’s worse is when you find yourself writing something that’s totally legitimate, it just doesn’t belong on your blog.

Life over the past year and a half has had it’s ups and downs, its comings and goings, and this blog has definitely reflected that. But despite the low tides which sometimes bring me down (pun intended), my favorite thing about my blog is that it’s full of hopes and dreams and plans and optimism for the possibilities of the future. Sure, it doesn’t always sound all that optimistic, but this whole thing has turned into the Captain’s log of a girl trying to go somewhere. And shit happens, ya know?

But the thing I try to keep away from this space is the darkness. The moodiness, the negativity, the persistent pessimism, the defeat that comes in the face of too big obstacles, or outright rejection.

I don’t ignore those things in my life – this isn’t my way of pretending it doesn’t happen. Because, boy oh boy, does it happen. I have just determined that there has to be one place that is held apart from that, sacred if you will, and untouched by all that. I think that it is important for people who struggle with positivity or optimism to have that sort of thing – a place where their hopes are written in clear crisp writing, with no hint of obfuscation or doubt.

I’ve probably said all this before, and part of me wants to look back and see, but mostly I don’t care.

But deleting post after post because this is not where they belong – it’s a fight. Because I want to be writing, and I want to be genuine. I don’t want to write something nice just so I can post it, that’s ludicrous. And when I write the rants and the failures and the doubtful stuff, that’s writing. I can’t be upset about not writing, when I am writing. But sometimes you have to write things just to delete it all at the end.

And I think that’s okay.