I am finding myself in conflict when it comes to posting on my blog. I struggled my way through NaBloPoMo, and at the end of the day, had a lot of fun with most of those posts. It was sometimes hard to remember to write daily, but once I was writing, I was usually glad to be doing so.
Now that that’s over, I’m just winded from it. I don’t want to write much of anything anymore, and when I do want to write I want to be writing with a pen, not a keyboard.
There’s another element to the conflict as well. I can’t decide what kind of direction I’d like my blog to take. For the most part I try to remain as positive as possible when I write on my blog. This is partly because I’d like it to be one place where I just don’t allow any negativity on my own part. The things I write can get pretty dark sometimes, and its nice to have a place where that isn’t the case. The flip side of the coin is that there are times when the only things I can write about have that element of darkness or unhappiness or just bare bones pain – do I just not write those here? Do I take a hiatus of undetermined time to write elsewhere, perhaps with that pen and paper?
I cannot help but to feel that being selective about which things I portray in my posts makes my blog duplicitous. Dishonest. But I cannot stand the angst of those blogs where people are just laying all their miseries out for the world. That isn’t why I write.
I am not looking for sympathy or empathy or a pat on the shoulder or a hug or any of those sorts of things. When I write my miserable little diatribes, I’m writing to process – to work through something on my own – to get it off my chest. I’m not looking for condolences and a shoulder to cry on. But I know that if I blog these darker things, the generous people of the internet will want to be exactly that for me. And that’s sweet of them, but I don’t want that.
So it seems I’m left back where I started – keeping my blog a place of lightheartedness and leaving distance between that and all the rest. That’s okay. Maybe it’s time for a little hiatus anyway.
Oh wow. This is my 200th post. Good place to go.