mumbling of an imbecile


I had the all’s-right-with-the-world bubble popped for me at a young age. I can’t say exactly if there was one particular moment or event, it was just everything. I can’t even remember if I ever had the illusion that life was going to be easy or smooth sailing or full of flowers and unicorns and all that shit.

There was never a question of whether or not life was going to be difficult, it was just a question of what could be done about it. There was never a question of if people would fail me, just a question of how far I’d let them pull me down with them. There was never a question of if I’d have to fight my own battles, just a question of how far a person can make it on their own and still have a full life.

Maybe I’m just writing this because I’m feeling a little melancholic, but it’s possible that I’ve just got to write it down eventually so it stops dancing on the fringes of my consciousness. Either way, it’s probably best you stop reading now.



I warned you. What a rebel.

Sometimes we get complacent with our lives and the things that we permit to be a part of our existence. There are of course things which are out of our control, but we mentally place much more in that category than actually belongs there. This is a slippery slope that we seldom notice we’re slipping down. We don’t notice until we slide on past something that is starkly out of place, and we metaphorically double take.

This is where we begin to look around ourselves with a little more discernment, and realize how far we are from our mark. Enter disillusionment.

Well here we are, and we’ve woken up rather abruptly to find ourselves in a place we promised ourselves we’d never be. Sometimes this is through our own action, but I find that mostly it’s due to inaction. Sometimes it’s due to outside influences which we’ve allowed ourselves to follow. Frequently we’ve just closed our eyes and enjoyed the pleasant sensation of floating. Then we wake up on the brink of a waterfall.

Disillusionment isn’t so bad. It’s actually a great springboard to launch us in the direction we really need to be going. It’s only when we become self aware enough to understand that we could have something better or of more real value that we begin to strive for that which is greater. If our parades didn’t get rained on and people didn’t screw us over and if things were easy, then we wouldn’t have the motivation to move forward.

Disillusion is a wake up call. It is reality knocking on the door and beckoning us into the future. It doesn’t have to be sad or painful or lonely. (Usually, it’s a little sad, and a little painful, and a little lonely. But it’s good for us.)

They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and while I frequently have trouble believing or appreciating that, it’s true that what doesn’t kill us doesn’t kill us, and that at least is a good place to begin.


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