mumbling of an imbecile

Opposite Day: Self-Deprecation

I’m definitely one to make the self-deprecating jokes, but that’s just what they are – jokes. I don’t take it seriously and I don’t mean it to be taken seriously by anyone either. I’m just not one to toot my own horn. And yet people get on my case about being self deprecating and about not appreciating myself enough. So, this post is to placate those lovely people, because let’s be honest, I’m pretty awesome. I’m good at so much stuff and I’m so talented. Let me count the ways…

  1. I am very good at sleeping. Loud noises, burning buildings, car accidents, expletives, five alarms – they’ve got nothing on me. I will win every time.
  2. I am very good at riding bicycles. I almost never fall off anymore.
  3. I am very good at talking to boys. I’m frequently so good at it that they come to think of me as their sister. I’m just so endearing.
  4. I am very good at sounding stupider than I am. Because I’m very smart so if I sound even a little less smart than I really am, I sound stupid. It’s okay.
  5. Peanuts MeI am very good at occupying my time. Sometimes I enlist Netflix to help me, or a library full of books. Sometimes it’s because of forgetting appointments. Sometimes it’s because I think everything is funny. Especially myself.
  6. I am very good at eating, but not in public. I’m still working on the part where you’re not supposed to drop things on yourself and save them for later.
  7. I’m good at making friends. I cut them out of paper and paste them to my walls and talk to them when nobody else is around.
  8. I am good at taking artistic photos. They’re very avant-garde. You can tell because they’re blurry and the subject is only partially in the frame.
  9. I’m quite good at physics. I check the law of gravity several times per day, and so far it’s always worked.
  10. I’m lucky to be good at remembering the really important stuff. Like paying my speeding ticket the last day or paying people back when I’ve lost my wallet and been covered for dinner.
  11. I’m very employable. I get excellent job offers very soon after I accept a contract at less good jobs. I wish that happened more when I’m unemployed.
  12. I get along with people really easily. Especially when I’ve managed to be anti-social enough that people are just relieved to discover I’m alive when I finally come out of hiding.
  13. I’m really good at holding my liquor. It took a lot of practice and involves a lot of upkeep, but it’s a budding skill.
  14. I have a very mathematical mind. I can always figure out which piece of the pizza is the biggest, and I’m good at calculating my odds of getting it. Unfortunately I’m not the fastest.
  15. I’m financially stable. As in, I very consistently have no money. This makes me mentally unstable.
  16. I’ve got a fantastic figure. It’s somewhere between sumo wrestler and pygmy. There’s something quite remarkable about that.
  17. I’ve got a very unique birthmark. It frequently leads new acquaintances to ask me if I’ve been in a fight or how I got hurt.
  18. I’ve got a great sense of direction. But only geographically speaking. I’ve no direction in my life whatsoever.
  19. I have an amusing sense of style. By that I mean I’m amused when people question my style choices. Jeans, tennis shoes, and solid color t-shirts will never go out of style. Right?
  20. I have a presence that can get the attention of everyone in a room. Usually this is a result of walking into a large, well established item of furniture, or making a loud awkward statement right when the music stops.

Well, look at this! 20! I’m amazing in 20 ways! That’s quite a feat. Now nobody can say that I haven’t enumerated the many ways in which I am a wonderful specimen of a person, a gem, a diamond in the rough even. (Clearly, I’ve also mastered the art of sarcasm.)

This must be why so many people want to be my friend.


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10 thoughts on “Opposite Day: Self-Deprecation”

  1. I might be your spirit animal, according to this account. I dress like a kid from the peanuts gang – seriously, on payday, one of my first thoughts is, “I wonder who has a sale this week on solid-color V-neck T-shirts – Wal-mart or Target?” I couldn’t calculate the area of a circle to save mankind, but I can eyeball a sliced pizza and tell you how each piece ranks for cheese density, crust length and toppings-to-sauce ratio.

    Don’t believe me? Most of it has spilled on my formerly-solid-colored T-shirt.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I seriously cracked up reading this comment. Is it fair that comments be funnier than the posts they’re about? I don’t think it is.
      At least we now know what my new spirit animal is (it used to be tequila) and that if I ever have pizza with you I need to be really fast to get the best piece. Oh and that people would think we were trying to match clothing on purpose. Too funny!

      Liked by 1 person

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