Do you ever have the inexplicable desire to take up a handful of soil and just rub it between your hands and really feel it? Or to stand knee deep in water that’s far too cold? Or to climb a tree just to feel the bark against your hands? Or to stand on the edge of a precipice on a windy gusty night?
So much of the time I feel that I’m just blindly following time through the day. I pay attention to very little and I’m only concerned with what I’ve already decided is important. I don’t give the day a chance. If it wasn’t on my To Do list, then regardless of what happens around me, I don’t pay attention. I hate that. I didn’t used to be that way.
I used to see everything, and feel everything, smell everything – sense everything. I paid attention to every little insignificant thing, and I could see the biggest picture because of it. But I allowed life to get in the way. No, not even that. I forced those details out of my life to make room for normalcy and regularity. What was I thinking?
Now I want it back. I want to dive into each day of my life sensing with all my senses. I want to remember something because I have it captured in every way. I can smell it – I can feel it – I can taste it – I can hear it. This is the only way to see everything. I want that back. And I try to get it back, but it’s much like the imagination of a child – once you let it go for some time, it’s awful hard to truly get it back.
So I want to dig my hands in. I want to force myself to see and hear and taste and feel. I’ll be doing it a little bit at a time, but if you see a young woman climbing trees with her ankles dripping and clods of dirt in her hands on a windy day, at least you’ll know why.