mumbling of an imbecile


Some people I’ve known have told me they’ve never seen me flirt a day in my life. Others tell me I’m far too familiar with my men friends. Of course, these two things clash in my brain, and I don’t know quite what to make of all of it. So obviously I must write about it.

When it comes to dating advice, I’ve had people coming to me for words of wisdom since elementary school. I don’t know why – my own experiences of the sort with men have been fleeting and scarce. It’s never bothered me that people ask me for advice, because from my point of view a good dose of common sense is all the solution that’s needed. But for myself, I have always ended up being close friends with guys rather than the love interest, always “one of the guys.” Like I said, not a problem, but when you’re that close to guys you tend to start to goof off the way they do, which is a lot of un-classy jokes and shoving each other around.

I think that this is why many girls I’ve known have told me I’m too familiar with these guys. They see us being very close, both physically and with all of our inside jokes and the like, and even though it’s just being “one of the guys” it comes across to them as a threat. I’m closer. They’re losing. But they don’t understand the brother-sister relationship that it has basically turned into, and I think that maybe when they tell me I’m too familiar, it’s out of an imagined jealousy. I don’t know what else it could be. I’ve never crossed any boundaries with unavailable guy friends, so I don’t know what everyone’s so worried about.

But on the flip side, when one of my guy friends I’ve known for nearly 5 years and who knows me far too well tells me he’s never seen me flirt with a guy or mention being interested in someone, that also makes me stop in my tracks.

In the five years I’ve known this guy, there have been probably 3 guys that I’ve had it bad for – like a bashful little kid with his first crush. I’m not one to flirt ostentatiously, but there were times when I was doing all I could to turn the flirt on. Apparently I couldn’t flirt to save my life, because some of these guys had it bad for me at the time too and never said anything because, as they later informed me, they didn’t think they were allowed to flirt with me or ask me out…

Clearly, I’m doing this wrong. I can’t just bat my eyelashes and fall at their feet in worshipful lust like the gals I see around me. I just can’t do it. I can’t even fake it. Instead I foolishly attempt conversation, seeking common interests and fun topics, which is all great and fun until suddenly they’re off with another girl whose name they may only know from Tinder. I tell myself that guy wouldn’t have suited me anyway, but the real question is how a person can be so completely inept at flirting. HOW?

It’s always eons after I’ve over my interest in someone that I find out of their interest in me. Or if I still like them its after they’ve found the actual girl of their dreams. I don’t begrudge them having found someone, I’m happy for them. I’m just in this unflirtable state of confusion. My sisters and girl friends have tried in the past to get me to act in this way or that way, but I end up walking into doors and such with all the focus I need to be the requisite airhead. Perhaps that’s fitting.

But it’s okay. One day a well read lumberjack cowboy caveman will come storming out of the hills and he’ll have just as few social skills as I do, and I’m sure we’ll fall madly in love. I’m just hoping I’ll have grown up enough to tell him that.

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