According to Frank Herbert’s Dune, “fear is the mind killer.” I believe that 100%, no question.
I’ve never considered myself to be fearful, of anything really, but especially not in a paralyzing capacity. But as certainty of the future starts to go out the window, and a plurality of options opens up, I’m starting to think that it’s possible, that I could be afraid.
Mostly I am afraid of choosing one option at the expense of another, which could have been the better option. I know that that’s silly – I need to just find something I can get behind and then go all the way, no looking back. But the options are so different and they pull me to such far away places (that I want to go to, but still…) and so far from my family, and in such different types of work, that it’s just a bit overwhelming to actually move forward in making a decision.
My two primary possibilities are in different countries (neither of them being the country I live in now). One would be relatively intellectual while the other would be closer to manual labor. Both take me thousands of miles away from anyone I know. And most gloriously, both are things I’ve really wanted to do for a really long time. So I shouldn’t be complaining, right?
The problem I suppose lies in my new-found fear of making the wrong decision. There shouldn’t even be a wrong decision, right? I mean, there isn’t. They’re both great!
I need to decide which option to proceed with. In either case there’s loads of paperwork and recommendations and approval and such to go through, so many hoops do jump through. Both would begin about October, so loads of time between now and then. I just can’t for the life of me decide if I’d rather spend a year teaching English in China with CIEE, or a year strengthening community growth and development in the Virgin Islands with AmeriCorps.
Where to send the paperwork: that is the question.