the story so far


I find that I fall in love with my good friendships quite easily. Not with my good friends, I said friendships. I can only hope you know that feeling when an acquaintance you once found interesting has leveled up so to speak, and you find that you now consider them a friend.

This is often characterized by subconscious feelings of peace, security, confidence, and lack of unwanted pressure. There is no longer a need to make a good impression, because you both know where the other is coming from, and also you know that you don’t need to take anything too seriously. (Yes, you can have serious conversations, exchange much needed advice, and come to really depend upon one another, but in the midst of this is the balance of not taking anything too seriously.)

When you’ve got a true friendship that really means a lot to you, that energizes you instead of draining you, it’s not hard to fall in love with it. You love the ease and comfort of it. You love the reliability of it. You love the stability and foundation of it, that’s necessary to keep you on even keel. The companionship of a kindred spirit above all else is so coveted that once obtained is easy to fall in love with.

These friendships aren’t about me or about you. They’re not about meeting selfish needs or using another person. They’re not about having something to do or someone to fill the silences. Sometimes those things can be a byproduct of a good friendship, but they are not the essence of it. True friendship lies in the value you find intrinsically in another person, and the recognition and acknowledgement of that.

When you value something, or some one, you take care of it. You do things for its good, sometimes at expense to yourself. You give it your time, attention, care, energy… You try not to break or spoil it, or allow it to be broken or spoiled by something else. A good friendship is like that too. A good friendship is that way both ways, between two people. When you care about a friend this way, and you know they care about you, there’s a give and take that’s balanced, careful, and open. You are free to be yourself, the best version of yourself, and you are allowing that same peace of mind to another.

When you find this, or build it rather, what’s not to love?

Some people mistake this for falling for somebody, but they’re wrong. This isn’t a matter of being something ‘more than friends’. I hate that term. This is a matter of being truly friends. (Even in terms of romantic relationships, I hate the term ‘more than friends’ because that is dismissive of this good of a friendship. If you’re romantic with someone by all rights they should be your best friend. Not because you shouldn’t have friends outside your relationship, or anything idiotic like that, but because why would you be with someone if they aren’t the one you care the most about?)

So yes, I fall in love with my friendships quite easily. They’ve been some of the greatest things in my life, and I’d do anything to keep and preserve them. I’m not in love with my friends, not like you’re thinking. I love my friends, I love my friendships. That just means something is going right.

Don’t get me started on the ‘question’ of if men and women can be friends without romantic interests. There’s no question there. Most of my best friends I’ve had in my life have been men (and I’ve always been a woman…) and nine and a half times out of ten, there’s been no romantic interest on either side. What the question comes down to is if you value the friendship of this person enough to respect the boundary, as fluid as it may be, of where your friendship lies, and where it cannot or should not go. That’s all there is to it. Priorities. (If you can’t tell I feel very strongly about this.)¬†

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