Kid Shit

Miss Rataaaaajczak, somebody peed on the carpet!

Miss Ratajczak, how do you spell a…
A what?
A… like a dog, or a cat.
A? …you spell it… ‘a’. That’s it.
That’s it?
That’s it, I swear.

How about this, Miss Ratajczak – if I stop picking my nose and eating it you can give me a lollipop at the end of the day. Okay?

These are the kinds of things which are said to me on a daily basis. There is never an end to the airheadedness and silliness of things said. I have never heard such outrageous requests, demands, and questions.

Just the other day we were taking a half hour to clean out the students’ desks (meaning they were supposed to clean their own). As I walked up to one kid’s desk he stood up and looked me dead in the face and pointing to a gigantic pile of crumpled paper on his desk, he says to me throw that away for me, okay? He really thought that throwing in an ‘okay?’ made it a polite request and also that he had every right to ask me to discard his crap.

Hell no.

Today, over 3 months into school, I had a kid ask me if every question on a worksheet had to be done. Of course, I said. With a confused look on his face he asked me what happens if he didn’t get it done in class. His life really seemed to come unraveled when I told him what he already knew – that it would be homework. How did we get this far into school and these kids don’t know anything at all about how I operate.

It amuses me when they ask things like can we share answers and do our work together? There’s no end to the giggles that erupt from me when questions like this are asked.

The only consolation to my sanity is being able to mess with the kids back. Like in my previous story about the chapstick. It really never gets old.

Today I may or may not have told a student or two about the lovely lemonade flavored snow that comes in various shades of yellow. Don’t worry, one of them called me out on it. MISS RATAAAAJCZAK, THAT’S NOT LEMONADE FLAVORED!!! I immediately backtracked, (chuckling all the while.) Okay, fine, it’s not I said. The other kid believed me thought. She was all like reaaaaaaally?? That sounds yummy! Let’s give it a try! I kid you not, she wasn’t even kidding. This was mostly funny to me because it meant her parents had never told her what yellow snow really is, so there’s a chance she’s likely to try it anyway. (She isn’t the Einstein in the classroom.)

Also, what with Christmas coming up, despite the fact that I can’t stand that holiday or anything associated with it, I’ve convinced myself of the value of lying to children about Santa Claus in order to elicit better behavior. It works quite marvelously. And when you’ve told them you saw an Elf on the Shelf peeking in the window (I’ve only just learned what that even IS!) they believe you. I’ve also told them that the last day before we get out of school I’ll be sending Santa a letter to say who’s been naughty or nice, and they’re believing that quite well.

On the other hand, I guess that can’t help the klutzy or just plain stupid behaviors when little Thomas drops a chair on your foot and his head, and then trips over the flattest of floors. Oh well. One thing at a time.

 

Oh. Also apparently an elf raped a present…

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13 thoughts on “Kid Shit

  1. Brilliant! I don’t know how you do it, you must have a huge amount of patients of a saint! I do mentoring at a local primary school every two weeks listening to 6-7 years old read, some are very good, but you get the occasional naughty one trying everything to get out of reading!
    The behaviour of some of your students is not dissimilar to how of the senior manager in my business behaviour during a weekly governance meeting I manage! So it’s often no better in the corporate world!!
    Loving your blog and your writing style, it’s absolutely fantastic!
    P.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! I wish I had the patience of a saint, it’s more the quiet desperation of needing to keep my job! And seriously messing with the kids is actually so entertaining I just can’t help myself. It’s very encouraging that you enjoy my blog. Writing it is the only thing that keeps me sane! Some days I truly think the kids are out to get me, but then I get lovely elf rape captions and suddenly I’m able to get through the day. That’s life I guess!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well written. My mother is one of the best teachers I have ever seen. She can handle a kindergartner as well as a college student.. She is witty too. Your blog reminded me of her experiences..
    It is good to know that you are lying to the kids abt Santa to make them better. I’m sure at the end of the day u look back and smile for creating an impact on every child there. Keep doing the good work 🙂

    Like

  3. Oh my goodness! I was reading through the Community Pool and came across your post. I decided to check your blog out and it’s hilarious! I absolutely love this post! I work at a science museum where we see lots of kids, so I can relate to some of the absurd comments and demands! Too funny!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad you did! My boyfriend worked at the museum with me and when he went to one of our elementary schools to do some experiments, one of the kids said “I don’t like Power Rangers anymore; I like science! Science is way cooler than Power Rangers!” They are just too funny! 🙂

        Like

        1. Haha thats a great! At least its a step in the right direction. My favorite is when theyre just so gullible you cant help but to mess with them a little. Its the small joys… 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  4. wow i’m glad i don’t have the only crazy kids. I should do a post about the craziness that happens in my classroom. I actually laughed out loud at the raping of presents. THANKS!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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