mumbling of an imbecile

All or Nothing

I have always been an all-or-nothing sort of person. I do not know why this is.

This sort of mentality certainly has its perks. I don’t put up with a lot of bullshit, not when it really matters. When something is important to me there isn’t much grey, just black and white. There are things I will do and there are things that I won’t, and I rarely waver on these. There are things that I love and things that I don’t give a damn about and all things fall into one of these two categories. I have passing fancies and interests of course, but that is a different matter.

When I know what I want, I really want it, and I go for it. When I care about a person, the sky is much too small a limit when it comes to what I will do for them. When I give myself to someone, or give of myself to someone, I give it all. No holds barred, I’m there, no questions, no going back.

There are certainly disadvantages to all or nothing though. I’m just learning that.

I have unreasonable expectations of people, because I assume that all people are this invested. They’re not. Not at all. These people tell me that I am missing out on the grey, the middle, the in between. I don’t think that I am, because all those things are there too, just on one side or the other with me. But because I don’t settle for mediocre or second best or in between, I am missing a lot. And I’m starting to see that there is an element of truth in this. Perhaps I’m not missing out on the cream of the crop, but there is a lot that gets sifted out and left behind when you’re all-or-nothing. Picky. Is that the word? Maybe.

I didn’t try to be this way. I don’t know why it is.

I can’t be half hearted about something, or lukewarm, and still have it be in any place of significance in my life. I can’t half care. I can’t half want. I can’t half love or hate. It’s just one or the other. There’s plenty I just don’t care about that doesn’t fall under love or hate, but those things just aren’t in my life, they aren’t on my radar. They aren’t important.

But what becomes of all those things that drop through the cracks? Maybe those are things I need in my life to create a balance, or a buffer. Maybe the insignificant things are important because they make the significant things that much greater. Maybe I have to stop ignoring things just because they don’t mean the world to me. Maybe I should experience the things that I won’t remember having done or won’t care about two days from now. Maybe those things become the cushion in life that the important events rest on, that they springboard off of. Maybe they’re the icing on the cake.

I like myself and how I am and how I think. I do not often find (or perhaps face?) things that I want to change in myself, and I have appreciated the perspective that all-or-nothing values have given me. But I think that maybe now is not the time for all or nothing. Maybe now is the time for something. Maybe now is the time for icing.


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